4 years Ago

Exactly 4 years ago today ~ I was diagnosed with Severe Postpartum Depression. Caden was 3 weeks old. Looking back now, I KNOW that I was ill probably about 3 days into it, still in the hospital. Mike will agree with that. That year was one of the hardest I've ever had to face, and hopefully ever will. No one ever really explains to you ANYTHING about PPD while your pregnant. Or even before or after for that matter. It is for sure one of the most kept quiet disease's out there by far. It for sure is not something that you just "snap" out of, or "get better in time". I remember having SO many people say Oh, I know how your feeling, you'll get better, I went through the SAME thing after all my babies, give it a couple weeks. ~ Did you REALLY feel the way I did? I am pretty sure you didn't. (Not to be mean, as I know that there are others out there who did go this too, I am not meaning to offend you right now!) If you did, then you gave out some pretty bad advice. Were you able to answer your phone? Were you able to leave your house with having such an anxiety attack that you would have to turn around and go back. Were you able to breathe without having to yawn to get that oxygen?? Were you SO OCD that your house was BEYOND clean. Mike wore the same pair of underwear for more then 2 weeks straight, and they were CLEAN each time, because NOT one thing was able to be dirty. Did you ever wonder what would happen to you if you just tried to drive into that ditch on the side of the road? Wonder if you would survive? Wonder if your baby would survive? I did. I felt every single one of those feelings and then some. I cried for months. And even more months once I felt normal thinking about what I put myself and my family through. I cry as I sit here and type this because I can't believe I survived such a thing. My husband saved my life. He was the one who called my doctor and got me there. He knew something was wrong. I can't predict what may have happened, but I am pretty sure what would have happened if Mike didn't do what he did for me. I remember how scared I was, walking into that doctor's office. I knew what they would tell me. I didn't want to admit I failed having a baby though. That is how many people look at PPD. I no longer do. I commend myself and Mike all the time that I am a SURVIVOR of PPD. It was not an easy fight by any means. For any of us. I remember Courtney asking me when I was going to stop crying and wondering why I cried all the time? Why did I not take her out of the house, and not leave myself? I'll never forget the day that Mike was in the back yard and our neighbor came out and asked him I was mad at her, because I never came out in the back yard anymore and when I do, and see her I turn around and run. I can't begin to tell you how scared I was of other people. People I knew, loved and trusted. I was SO embarrassed to tell anyone what was going on too. We hid it for quite a long time from everyone, including our families. Eventually we had to tell them, since I wasn't able to return to work until Caden was 4 months old.(I am pretty sure that would have thought something was up) I am not sure even then that I was ready, but if I didn't try I would never have been. I worked in a very stressful environment, but was very close to all of my employees. So much so, that upon return, even they knew I wasn't right. One friend of mine came in my office on my second day back and asked if I was "Ok, that I wasn't the person that left the July before". I broke down. I lost it. That was the first person outside of my boss and a couple friends that knew what I had gone through over those months I was out. PPD truly changes who you are as a person. You will never fully remember either the person that were during that time, or even before. Mike tells me things sometimes that happened and I have no recollection at all of it. During that time, it is as if your not really in your life. Your just watching it happen for the "other side". I had to go through many many med changes, a group therapy support group at a local hospital and an online PPD support group to get through. My saving grace I believe was the online support. I was able to See that others were having the SAME thoughts that I was. They too were just as scared as I was. they too had NO idea what or why this is and was happening to us. I met some pretty amazing women all because I suffered horribly. And all of those women suffered too, and we were able to encourage one another through that time, hold and hug via the Internet and support to every extent possible. 4 years later, we all remain in contact and I've become very best friends with one in particular. She even traveled across the country with her husband and children so we could meet and go on a family vacation together last summer. What an amazing bond we were able to form from such a scary dark time in our lives. When most of my friends couldn't or didn't want to understand what was happening to me, these girls would encourage me to tell them! It so amazing to go through something as horrible as that, and not get judged and then to remain Friends years after. To this day, I know that I only have 1 "true" friend from before the PPD that really stuck through that hard time with me. Her and I will always be true friends for life. She knew me before I was married, stuck by me through everything I have ever been through, never judged me, nor have I her. I knew during my dark time, that she would be that "one" person who would stay with me forever because when I was too scared to answer the phone and leave my house, she mailed me a letter in the mail with all of my "favorites". She is the only 1 person who tried to reach out to me and let me know she cared. I love her and her family to death. She knows who she is and I can't thank her enough. Although I am no longer who I was 4 years and 3 weeks ago, she looks at me no different. BTW- yes I do still have my letter with the marker smell! :-)

So in closing, I am proud to say that I have survived PPD not only once, but a mild, under control case a 2nd time as well. I am happy to have helped other women too through their journey, and become a moderator on the website that once saved my life. Although I've been on a break for about a year from the site, due to our circumstances with Caden, this time of year, gives me the itch to help out once again and give back to the one community who never let me down.