What If??

What if the H1N1 shot that Colin got might cause Autism in the end???

This is just something that is driving me crazy. I don't really think this is going to happen. I am a strong firm believer that Autism is genetic. I don't think it's something you can "catch". I don't think you wake up ONE day and show every sign and symptom leading to an autism diagnosis. I believe that it is something your born with. I completely understand there is a TON of controversy out there surrounding that, and I am not here to bash what others may or may not think, since I am also a firm believer that everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I just think that Caden was born the way he is, I don't think it's anything that "happened" one day. I think that it just took however many months for the noticeable symptoms to show their lovely hand in his development. Thinking back though, we've always said that alot of his infancy made alot more sense to us. ok, so now, with that being said:

While I had Colin at the doctor yesterday for his pre-op medical Clarence and 2.5 year physical, I decided to get him the H1N1 shot. No one else in our house had this, Courtney was suposed to get it through school a few weeks ago, but she had a slight fever of 99.6 and they refused her. I only wanted to do her and only her since she seems to get sick much much more then the rst of the family. Other then that I didn't plan on getting it done for anyone else either. But for some reason or another I got it done for Colin. Yesterday, and today I am second guessing myself with the "what ifs??" Why do you ask? Well the dose that Colin was given, was NOT one of the doses that was preservative free, which means that it contained a level of the thimerosal, which from some studies has been known to be linked to Autism. Which of course raises red flags for me. *sigh* Because I believe that Autism is genetic based, this shouldn't bother me, but it does, just because. Just becuase someone sometime said that it was linked, it scares me. There is already Autism history in our family, so because of that history does that mean that Colin will have even greater odds of the thimerosal having some sort of effect on him?? I know, I know, It's all things that I shouldn't worry about. I KNOW that Colin has sensory delays and ONLY sensory delays. His delays are Totally different then anything that we went through or do go through now with Caden. I also believe too that Autism shows it's face at a young age, although again some studies have shown otherwise. Again this post is based on my beliefs and opinion, so I apologize now if this offends anyone later on.

So although I know in the long run that Colin will be fine, I can't help but kick myself today, wishing that I didn't do the shot. I have decided to NOT take him back next month for the 2nd dose of it. I am leaving well enough alone. I don't believe that Autism needs reason for "blame" whatsoever. BUT if for some whacked out super strange out of the blue reason Colin ends up with more problems and happens to need or require Autism testing and ends up with a diagnosis down the line, I will ALWAYS wonder:

"What If, I didn't do that shot on Thursday January 7, 2010?"

A 6 year old young Autistic boy once told me "There is no such thing as Autism, it just means that I am more special" Just the fact that my children are special needs, makes them ALL that much more special to us anyway! :-)

Thanks for reading my corny stupid fears and vents of what if's. I guess I just needed to type it and get it out.