Friendships

Recently I lost a friend(ship) Those who really know me, Know how much this is killing me. Just when I think I am over this and moving on, something strikes me and I get stuck and hurt all over again. Yes, I am crying even as I type this, because yes, I am STILL hurting.  Again those who know me, and the situation know how much this has hurt me and continues to do so. With learning over the past couple of years exactly how precious life is, and how much you need friends in your life, the fact that this had to be sickens me. I can’t help thinking I am making the wrong choice sometimes, although this far into it, I am sure there will obviously never be any turning back now. Honestly, I just don’t know. This is another one of those posts, that I am not sure why I am writing it. I just know that it’s floating around in my little mind and it won’t go away, SO maybe, just maybe, posting about it, is just what I need to do to let go, or make it worse, who can say really?

My friends mean the world to me. I am just as close, if not closer to them then I am my own family. As are my children. Actually the kids know my friends and their families better then even know some of my family members. I am ok with this, simply because I feel you should always have people around you to love and support you no matter what. It doesn’t matter to me what color, nationality, style of life, or if you’re my real family or family made up of friends or even my internet family of friends. If your there for us, then we will in turn do the same for you. I’ve gone, days, weeks, months, some friends even YEARS without constant contact, and we pick up like it was just yesterday. A best friend of mine who passed was this type of friendship, and one that I valued dearly. After her passing, it just opened my eyes to talk more often, and to be aware much much more. I would never talk about a friend behind their back or lie, I've never before had to walk away fromr a friend either.  I can’t lie at ALL, I’d never be able to sleep again. If I was going to say anything about you to another person, it’s something I’ve either already said to you, or would have no problem doing so to begin with. I share just about every aspect of life with my friends, after all, isn’t that really what having friendships is all about?? If you really really know me, then you KNOW that I posess each one of those qualities. When you see a person daily and your not anymore “aware” of what’s going on in life, you have question if this is really a friendship. How can you see a friend everyday yet forget TINY important details that you’ve always shared in the past? How can you remain friends with someone when they don’t trust you with their kids? Isn’t friendship all about trust and honesty? Once you’ve been hurt like that, It’s hard to ever look at things the same. I did though. I tried really really hard for a while. It just didn’t seem to be working anymore. Out of no where things changed, stuff happened, things were said, and it was over. Still over a month later, I am not sure if I made the right choice. Mike seems to think that I have. My heart tells me I didn’t, but my conscience tells me that there is nothing more that I could have done differently. the fact of the matter is, I just miss that friendship. I miss the good times. The people,the phone calls, the visits, the fun. I just miss.

It’s said that time heals all wounds right? It does to an extent. At least to the extent that you can talk about it and think about it with out it tearing you to pieces and making you cry every single time! For me, I am hoping that time comes soon. I am not sure how much longer I’ll continue to second guess myself. Then I ask myself if the other person feels the same way? Are they struggling like I am? Are they hurt as much as I am? Do they miss me/us as much as I truly miss them?? Somehow I hope it is that way, just because I don’t want to be the only one hurting in this, but then who really knows…… it very well could not have meant half as much to them as it did to me. It’s been said to me that after you drop the bag of rocks, you excel so much further. I am still waiting for that light blub to go off in my head. I guess in time it will right?? After all,  time heals but for now, I’am not seeing much excelling going on either. Losing touch with friends over time is one thing, CHOOSING to lose friends is hard. Like beyond words hard.

Anyone else ever have to go through this type of situation? If so, how did you cope with it? How long does this GUILT last??? Seriously….. I welcome ANY feedback on this one!