Missing Jennifer

4 years ago today, I lost my best friend. 4 years ago today, Courtney lost her god-mother. The person who would take care of her, should I not be able to. 4 years ago today, I got one of the most heart wrenching phone calls ever. 4 years ago today, started as a typical work day, and ended in sadness. 4 years ago, My best friend Jen, passed away, unexpectedly.  God knew it was her time.

I remember one of my old drivers coming into my work, and asking if I heard about Jen? Of course I didn't hear anything, what you are talking about? Jen passed away during the night. {?} No, she did not!  I would have heard. I would have got a call or something? I sat at my desk shaking. That's a mean joke. I let it go. Later that day, Just before Mike got home from work, I got the call from Jen's mom. She passed away. Her kids found her. My heart breaks, is broken, was broken, and will always be hurt from missing her. I can't even begin to imagine the hurt her children and family feel. To lose a daughter, Sister, Mom and Aunt. Being selfish, I only knew my own pain at the time, and the pain for Courtney too. I think, as with any passing, it doesn't {click} for a bit. I was Ok the first night. Then as the days went on, I couldn't help but question life, god and wonder. Why is she gone? Why take a young mom from her young children?? Why can't she be here to watch them grow up?? Why can't she be here to watch MY kids grow up, her nieces and nephews grow up?  I cried myself to sleep for days and days. The hurt didn't get any easier the next night.  Death is not a stranger to me. I've lost lots of people in my time. By the time I had graduated from high school, I had lost numerous friends to cancer, accidents, meningitis just to name a few. Not to mention my grandpa as well. Although I was close to these friends, and family, nothing can ever prepare you for the unexpected death of a best friend. Someone who was more family then friend to you. The worst part for me, is the not knowing. Not Knowing someone is going to pass, and the sudden death, leaves you without closure. You never got that last goodbye, that last hug, the last I Love You. You never get to tell them face to face, all the things you never got to tell them but wanted to.

I have no doubts that we'll meet again, but in the mean time, not a day goes by that I don't miss Jen. Do you know that I still have her phone number in my cell phone? Yep, I can't and won't get rid of it. Instead of her address in there, I have the location of burial site, so when I visit, I don't have to wonder if I am in the right area. (you know those cemetery's can be confusing sometimes) I actually have a map of the cemetery, that I got once when I couldn't find her. I took a picture of it, and it's the picture that is saved for her contact information. We still have a rose that we took off of her casket before she was lowered into the ground. It Hung upside down from our dining room lamp for almost 3 years, until we got a new light in there and it had no where to sit. Won't let that go either. She took my bridal bouquet after our wedding, and hung them to dry in her house. I am sure they are thrown out now, but every time I look at a wedding picture, and see my bouquet, I know that see was the last person to hold them, to touch them, not me.

Jen, I hope your able to watch and see how grown up your children are now. They are amazing kids, who lost their mom way before they should have.  Morgan sometimes watches Caden & Colin when we are in a bind, but I am sure you probably already know that. I am so lucky that I am still friends and still keep in touch with your family. I love them like my own too, that will never change. Haley and Taylor are beautiful girls. Jake is so tall and Brayden is as adorable as can be. I hope your able to watch my kids grow up. Do you see how tall Courtney is?? The one thing I hate the most is that you never had the opportunity to really meet Colin. He was only 7 months old when you left us.  It kills me that he will only ever know you from pictures and my words.  Do you remember all those nights we spent on the phone when Mike drove to Kentucky so I wouldn't be alone? We would put Christmas presents under the tree together on Christmas eve while we were on the phone. Do you remember when there was a huge spider in my living room hanging from the ceiling, and you had to talk me through killing it, because I was too scared. I remember coming over and sitting on the couch watching HGTV for hours in my PJ's. I remember your Beef Stew. No makes stew like you did. No one ever will. What I wouldn't do for a bowl of that right now.

I can't wait until the day when I have a conversation with you again in person. I know that will happen someday. I believe in that. Until then, I miss you and love more then words can say.

Kindergarden Screenings/Registration

It seems like Just yesterday, we were closing on our house (10 years this Sunday!!!), registering Courtney for Kindergarten and having her screening done. I'll never forget when I was there for her screening, there was another couple there with their kids, a set of triplets, 2 boys and 1 girl. It never occurred to me back then, that all these families on that day, would be families that I'd see at every concert, play, field trip, award assembly, travel out of town with for Class trips, go to PTO meeting with and most of all, would be the families, we'd share Graduation with. Not once, back then, did I think in those terms. It's funny now though, that the same family with those triplets, is the family that I talked to the most while we were on the class trip in Washington DC last May, with our children as 8th graders, getting ready to graduate, and move on to High School together. Now those toddlers, are freshman in high school are getting ready to graduate as adults in just 3.5 years. They go to classes together, Go to church together, go to religion together and will make their confirmations together next year around this time. Its so amazing to watch ALL of these kids, grow up into such great teenagers and adults. To see how they've changed, yet you can still remember them in first and second grade with toothless smiles :)

I never thought that way either when I went through this with Caden. Probably because with him, we didn't know where he would end up in school. He's been in different district schools, BOCES classes, but ultimately, was lucky enough to end up back in our district this year. NOW, I can look at these kids, and know they will be a part of him, for the next 11 years! Thus too, those parents will be the ones, we'll nod and say Hello too at all the events,meetings and trips as well.

Yesterday, Colin had his kindergarten screening. Exactly 10 years after we first experienced it with Courtney. (WOW!!) I look at it so differently then any of the others. Maybe because I KNEW this time. Colin will be the LAST child we will ever register at Cayuga Heights. Once he walks out of these elementary doors in 6 years, we really won't be back there for any academic purposes. It's so odd to think in those terms! This time though I looked at the way it's "meant" to be. All these little 4 year old toddlers, I'll get to watch grow up into young men & women. I'll get to watch them graduate from 8th grade, and take the huge leap into High School. We'll get to go on Field trips with them, go to their concerts, and maybe even take out of town class trips with them too! I looked at each of those children, and KNEW they would be the ones that Colin would someday graduate with, as adults! The ones that he'll get to experience some of the best times of his life with. KNOWING that I've experienced this awesome adventure with Courtney, and got to know so many of these families and children So Very well, I am so excited to have 13 more years to do the same with Caden & Colin.

Have I ever told you how much I LOVE our school district?? I LOVE how small it is. I love that it's only 3 schools. Elementary, Middle and High. So all of those kids, unless they move really are the ones you'll see all the time for the next 13 years! I love that because the schools are so small, you can walk into the elementary school and Courtney's 2nd grade teacher KNOWS who I am, and remembers me pregnant with Caden. Takes the time to invite me to her classroom, and fill me in on her life and children since she had Courtney all those years ago. Obviously god directed us to our home for a reason, I have no doubts it was because of the amazing support with have within our school district.

Our Cruise Family :-)

Gloria, Kym, Mike, Cyndy & Frank 02/09/12

Gloria, Frank & Cyndy were part of our roll call, the group that we connected with the most, outside of Jason & Dan and Jen & Roxie. Every night we would track down Gloria who was singing her heart away with that amazing voice of her's in Karaoke. She is amazing. Frank & Cyndy, are first time cruisers, and are just the most fun loving couple you'll every meet. Neither of them ever held back when it came to new things and willing to try everything! I really enjoyed getting to know all 3 of these special people on a level outside of the Internet and hope to continue friendships with then in the future. Of course, if we are ever able to plan another cruise together, that would be even better. SOMETHING tells me that we (or I) will be sailing again with Gloria without a doubt.

Thank you guys for being a part of making our vacation a memorable one.

Caden & his "girls"

Can you see how much Courtney HATES being in this picture? Seriously, Caden LOVES his big sister so much, looks up to her, loves her friends and enjoys spending time with her. This night, she had him in tears, becuase she wanted NOTHING to do with him. All he wanted to do was be in her room, with all the girls. He truely loves her friends. She was crazy mean to him. To calm him, we promised him a picture of him with Courtney and Amanda before they left for the dance. This is what we got. It's better then nothing. I so hope, one day, Courtney will realize how much these boys look up to her. Well, Caden anyway. Colin is scared to death of her *sigh*