Missing Jennifer

4 years ago today, I lost my best friend. 4 years ago today, Courtney lost her god-mother. The person who would take care of her, should I not be able to. 4 years ago today, I got one of the most heart wrenching phone calls ever. 4 years ago today, started as a typical work day, and ended in sadness. 4 years ago, My best friend Jen, passed away, unexpectedly.  God knew it was her time.

I remember one of my old drivers coming into my work, and asking if I heard about Jen? Of course I didn't hear anything, what you are talking about? Jen passed away during the night. {?} No, she did not!  I would have heard. I would have got a call or something? I sat at my desk shaking. That's a mean joke. I let it go. Later that day, Just before Mike got home from work, I got the call from Jen's mom. She passed away. Her kids found her. My heart breaks, is broken, was broken, and will always be hurt from missing her. I can't even begin to imagine the hurt her children and family feel. To lose a daughter, Sister, Mom and Aunt. Being selfish, I only knew my own pain at the time, and the pain for Courtney too. I think, as with any passing, it doesn't {click} for a bit. I was Ok the first night. Then as the days went on, I couldn't help but question life, god and wonder. Why is she gone? Why take a young mom from her young children?? Why can't she be here to watch them grow up?? Why can't she be here to watch MY kids grow up, her nieces and nephews grow up?  I cried myself to sleep for days and days. The hurt didn't get any easier the next night.  Death is not a stranger to me. I've lost lots of people in my time. By the time I had graduated from high school, I had lost numerous friends to cancer, accidents, meningitis just to name a few. Not to mention my grandpa as well. Although I was close to these friends, and family, nothing can ever prepare you for the unexpected death of a best friend. Someone who was more family then friend to you. The worst part for me, is the not knowing. Not Knowing someone is going to pass, and the sudden death, leaves you without closure. You never got that last goodbye, that last hug, the last I Love You. You never get to tell them face to face, all the things you never got to tell them but wanted to.

I have no doubts that we'll meet again, but in the mean time, not a day goes by that I don't miss Jen. Do you know that I still have her phone number in my cell phone? Yep, I can't and won't get rid of it. Instead of her address in there, I have the location of burial site, so when I visit, I don't have to wonder if I am in the right area. (you know those cemetery's can be confusing sometimes) I actually have a map of the cemetery, that I got once when I couldn't find her. I took a picture of it, and it's the picture that is saved for her contact information. We still have a rose that we took off of her casket before she was lowered into the ground. It Hung upside down from our dining room lamp for almost 3 years, until we got a new light in there and it had no where to sit. Won't let that go either. She took my bridal bouquet after our wedding, and hung them to dry in her house. I am sure they are thrown out now, but every time I look at a wedding picture, and see my bouquet, I know that see was the last person to hold them, to touch them, not me.

Jen, I hope your able to watch and see how grown up your children are now. They are amazing kids, who lost their mom way before they should have.  Morgan sometimes watches Caden & Colin when we are in a bind, but I am sure you probably already know that. I am so lucky that I am still friends and still keep in touch with your family. I love them like my own too, that will never change. Haley and Taylor are beautiful girls. Jake is so tall and Brayden is as adorable as can be. I hope your able to watch my kids grow up. Do you see how tall Courtney is?? The one thing I hate the most is that you never had the opportunity to really meet Colin. He was only 7 months old when you left us.  It kills me that he will only ever know you from pictures and my words.  Do you remember all those nights we spent on the phone when Mike drove to Kentucky so I wouldn't be alone? We would put Christmas presents under the tree together on Christmas eve while we were on the phone. Do you remember when there was a huge spider in my living room hanging from the ceiling, and you had to talk me through killing it, because I was too scared. I remember coming over and sitting on the couch watching HGTV for hours in my PJ's. I remember your Beef Stew. No makes stew like you did. No one ever will. What I wouldn't do for a bowl of that right now.

I can't wait until the day when I have a conversation with you again in person. I know that will happen someday. I believe in that. Until then, I miss you and love more then words can say.