4 years Ago

Exactly 4 years ago today ~ I was diagnosed with Severe Postpartum Depression. Caden was 3 weeks old. Looking back now, I KNOW that I was ill probably about 3 days into it, still in the hospital. Mike will agree with that. That year was one of the hardest I've ever had to face, and hopefully ever will. No one ever really explains to you ANYTHING about PPD while your pregnant. Or even before or after for that matter. It is for sure one of the most kept quiet disease's out there by far. It for sure is not something that you just "snap" out of, or "get better in time". I remember having SO many people say Oh, I know how your feeling, you'll get better, I went through the SAME thing after all my babies, give it a couple weeks. ~ Did you REALLY feel the way I did? I am pretty sure you didn't. (Not to be mean, as I know that there are others out there who did go this too, I am not meaning to offend you right now!) If you did, then you gave out some pretty bad advice. Were you able to answer your phone? Were you able to leave your house with having such an anxiety attack that you would have to turn around and go back. Were you able to breathe without having to yawn to get that oxygen?? Were you SO OCD that your house was BEYOND clean. Mike wore the same pair of underwear for more then 2 weeks straight, and they were CLEAN each time, because NOT one thing was able to be dirty. Did you ever wonder what would happen to you if you just tried to drive into that ditch on the side of the road? Wonder if you would survive? Wonder if your baby would survive? I did. I felt every single one of those feelings and then some. I cried for months. And even more months once I felt normal thinking about what I put myself and my family through. I cry as I sit here and type this because I can't believe I survived such a thing. My husband saved my life. He was the one who called my doctor and got me there. He knew something was wrong. I can't predict what may have happened, but I am pretty sure what would have happened if Mike didn't do what he did for me. I remember how scared I was, walking into that doctor's office. I knew what they would tell me. I didn't want to admit I failed having a baby though. That is how many people look at PPD. I no longer do. I commend myself and Mike all the time that I am a SURVIVOR of PPD. It was not an easy fight by any means. For any of us. I remember Courtney asking me when I was going to stop crying and wondering why I cried all the time? Why did I not take her out of the house, and not leave myself? I'll never forget the day that Mike was in the back yard and our neighbor came out and asked him I was mad at her, because I never came out in the back yard anymore and when I do, and see her I turn around and run. I can't begin to tell you how scared I was of other people. People I knew, loved and trusted. I was SO embarrassed to tell anyone what was going on too. We hid it for quite a long time from everyone, including our families. Eventually we had to tell them, since I wasn't able to return to work until Caden was 4 months old.(I am pretty sure that would have thought something was up) I am not sure even then that I was ready, but if I didn't try I would never have been. I worked in a very stressful environment, but was very close to all of my employees. So much so, that upon return, even they knew I wasn't right. One friend of mine came in my office on my second day back and asked if I was "Ok, that I wasn't the person that left the July before". I broke down. I lost it. That was the first person outside of my boss and a couple friends that knew what I had gone through over those months I was out. PPD truly changes who you are as a person. You will never fully remember either the person that were during that time, or even before. Mike tells me things sometimes that happened and I have no recollection at all of it. During that time, it is as if your not really in your life. Your just watching it happen for the "other side". I had to go through many many med changes, a group therapy support group at a local hospital and an online PPD support group to get through. My saving grace I believe was the online support. I was able to See that others were having the SAME thoughts that I was. They too were just as scared as I was. they too had NO idea what or why this is and was happening to us. I met some pretty amazing women all because I suffered horribly. And all of those women suffered too, and we were able to encourage one another through that time, hold and hug via the Internet and support to every extent possible. 4 years later, we all remain in contact and I've become very best friends with one in particular. She even traveled across the country with her husband and children so we could meet and go on a family vacation together last summer. What an amazing bond we were able to form from such a scary dark time in our lives. When most of my friends couldn't or didn't want to understand what was happening to me, these girls would encourage me to tell them! It so amazing to go through something as horrible as that, and not get judged and then to remain Friends years after. To this day, I know that I only have 1 "true" friend from before the PPD that really stuck through that hard time with me. Her and I will always be true friends for life. She knew me before I was married, stuck by me through everything I have ever been through, never judged me, nor have I her. I knew during my dark time, that she would be that "one" person who would stay with me forever because when I was too scared to answer the phone and leave my house, she mailed me a letter in the mail with all of my "favorites". She is the only 1 person who tried to reach out to me and let me know she cared. I love her and her family to death. She knows who she is and I can't thank her enough. Although I am no longer who I was 4 years and 3 weeks ago, she looks at me no different. BTW- yes I do still have my letter with the marker smell! :-)

So in closing, I am proud to say that I have survived PPD not only once, but a mild, under control case a 2nd time as well. I am happy to have helped other women too through their journey, and become a moderator on the website that once saved my life. Although I've been on a break for about a year from the site, due to our circumstances with Caden, this time of year, gives me the itch to help out once again and give back to the one community who never let me down.

Go Lancaster Redskins!

Today was Courtney's first Football Game to Cheer at. We actually cheered against what we be "our" rivals, because it is Cheektowaga/Depew, who she should "technically" Be cheering for, however they never sent any info for registration to us, so we went with Lancaster, and Love it! We ended up winning the game - 43 to 16! Go JV Black! The Girls really did a great job. We didn't take the boys with us, which was a good thing, they would have been so beyond bored. There was no playground anywhere near the field and it had poured all morning, so the mud was everywhere. Thank goodness for our new sitter Stacy who we love so much! She has been a godsend and agreed to take the boys during game times.

Pump It Up Crowd!

Courtney & Nicole

Courtney & Rebecca

Moon Dance

Last week Mike and I had an evening without kids on the Moon Dance Catamaran Sail boat - That leaves from the Waterfront in Down Town Buffalo. We went with My Dad & Cheryl, Aunt Karen and Sue. It included food & Drinks and a 2 hour sail. Although it was one of the more chilly days, it was a beautiful night. We got to see an amazing sunset and super pretty orange moon! The breeze was nice and warm and it was so relaxing. We had a great time!

Buffalo Sky line, I was pretty bummed it turned out so dark though

Cheryl, Sue, Aunt Karen & I

Sunset

Dad and Aunt Karen in deep conversation

Yummy Chicken wing sause!

Mike & I

Cheryl in the Sunset

The whole Gang

Mike and I

Colin Anxiety

So of course, Colin has officially been diagnosed with Anxiety as well. Hm... Imagine that huh? The only one who has NO official diagnosis of this yet is Courtney! LOL I can't help but laugh. I took Col to the doctor yesterday, because for the past weeks, he has been OUT OF CONTROL. Not just a little bit, but to the point where one person seriously can't handle both boys alone most of the time. To top that off, Colin scratches himself to the point that he makes his face bleed. He does it whenever he is stressed out, which seems to be ALOT. He does it all the time, including when he is sleeping! We wake up to blood on his pillow most nights. It's just crazy. he also has a horrible sleep pattern waking up before 6am daily. It's not like I am new to parenthood. I know what terrible 2's are and what behavior problems are. This is SO beyond terrible 2's. we use all the tools that we've used through dealing with Caden and apply them to Colin as well. Since you can't "fix" anxiety, and I refuse to give him a prescription med for it, we are trying the normal route. I got him so homeopathic remedy last night targeting anxiety & stress, and it seems to have worked so far. I also gave him a dose of benedryl to see if that too would help. He ended up sleeping until 6:30, which is a big deal for him! I also have a friend who uses only natural processes with her family. She has recommended a remedy for Colin as well after making some phone calls, giving his symptoms and our history. So I ordered that today as well and hopefully will have it early next week. Poor Colin though. Anxiety sucks as an adult, to be just 2 years old and feel that anxious and scared must be horrible!

My Little Cheerleader

The First BIG Game is next weekend, we are pretty excited about it! Anyone want to babysit the boys so we can both go???? :-)

**FINALLY** Birthday Pictures!

Ok, Ok, so I've been ALOT bit behind on updating and getting pictures up here. I just can't find the time to get everything done lately. But I guess better late then never right??? Enjoy!


Getting ready to eat Cake - It was almost 9pm when we got to do this!
The Blue Monkey he wanted!
Loving his monkey
A New Geo Trax!!


We were singing Happy Birthday, Notice the phone in the background? We had his God mommy Kasey on Speaker phone singing to him too!
With his BIG Balloon!
The Cake after Colin dropped it and I got it back in the box
After Colin dropped the cake, he was SO excited to show Caden, he grabbed the box off the counter and ran, The cake ended up on the floor and colin brought and empty box back to me. *sigh*
I was SO glad though that I got pictures before that happened! LOL

Courtney & Grandpa with a new Friend!

Caden Graduated!

This past Monday Caden's class had a little ceremony and Ice Cream social for those leaving and going to Kindergarten and those moving up to integrated classes. Caden will start in an integrated class #6 on September 3rd. He is on a 2 week break right now and super excited about it! In the new class he will be in a class of 12. 5 children that with disabilities and 7 typical children. They do this to help prepare him for the transition for kindergarten next year and also encourage the extra child to child interaction that caden needs so badly. He can watch other kids play together and learn from that. We got to visit his new class on Monday as well and pointed out different things to him to it is not so overwhelming on his first day. He took it all in. It's so amazing to watch him absorb all of those things!

The whole class #1! Caden is sitting on Ms. Liz (his teacher) next to them in orange shirt is Ms. Ginger and I feel so bad, I can't remember his other teacher's name!

Getting his little certificate and gift from Ms. Liz.

Playing outside in the water table.

Playing with the music toys

Shy Caden. He was so shy that I was there! :-)

Playing outside on the Gym things.

I am so proud of our little Caden man. He continues to amaze us everyday!

What a Weekend!

**WHEW** This was hot & hectic to say the least. We decided late last week that this would be the weekend no matter what that we would stain the back fence and deck. It's been on the few weekend that rain was not in the forecast and it was nice out as well! Well Nice wasn't quite the word. At 90 degrees with 88% humidity, we were dying out there! It was HOT and SUNNY! Not complaining, it's about time that summer comes, now that August is almost over. We did manage to get both the fence and deck done, in the heat, after some minor complications. We borrowed dad's power paint sprayer, which is great, if you have all the parts to it. LOL Dad couldn't find the paint bucket part. Him and Caden finally found the hose that you can attach to the sprayer and paint can and do it that way. It worked well most of the time. Mike kept forgetting that the hose was only so long, and clamped to the handle of the can ~ So he would move to far and knock over the paint can. The first time, we got the first 2 sections of the fence done and split over half of the 1 gallon can, so off to the store for another gallon. In the meantime, I used the pile of paint sitting in the grass, and did what I could of the top of the deck with what was there until Mike got back with the brush. So Mike gets back and for about 30 minutes has problems with the sprayer. I give up waiting, and started to paint it with the brush again. Finally got it working, got almost all the way done with the fence and our Wonderful (sarcasm) neighbors yell that there is paint on their grill. So another break, Mike has to go over there and clean/scrub their whole grill down. What a pain. While he is going that, we realize that we yet again need MORE stain to complete the deck. So off I go to the store yet again. Can you just see the $$$ adding up???

But Wait it gets better! That morning, we woke up to water all over the kitchen floor. The fridge had apparently stopped working during the night, everything in the freezer was thawed out, ice cream, food, everything! We had to throw so much food away, it's pretty depressing to say the least. I can't imagine having to replace all of that, I am dreading it to be honest. The stuff we could salvage, we loaded up in the chest freezer in the basement, 2 coolers in the kitchen and my neighbor's fridge for like salad dressings and eggs, things you don't plan to use daily. It was actually funny because we cooked dinner last night, then realized we have no where to store the left overs! So they are now next door as well. Unfortunately it wasn't worth it to fix the fridge, which is only 6 years young. We had to go out yesterday and buy a new one **sigh** $1400 was NOT something we had to spend right now. Life never lets you catch up let alone get ahead does it?

So needless to say it was QUITE the expensive weekend. We did alot and got alot accomplished as well. Even things that weren't planned. So the new fridge was delivered this morning, while our babysitter was home, and I can't wait to get home to see it!

Happy 4th Birthday Caden!

Today is your 4th Birthday Caden! I can't believe how fast these years have flown! You are honestly one of the most caring, thoughtful 4 year olds I have met. You have so much love and compassion to give it amazes me. You are wonderful with your little brother and love your older sister to death! You help Courtney when she is sick and watch out for Colin when he is doing what he shouldn't be doing (all the time!). You "mow" the lawn everyday in your perfect lines, even in the rain! You Vacuum the house in those same perfect lines and do the most precise job ever! You are a wonderful "daddy" to your Ooh Ooh Aah Aah's (Monkey's) and take the best care of them! You wash them when they are dirty. Care for them when they sick and hug them when they are sad. You even put them to bed when you leave for school and put band-aids on the boo's boo's when they get vacuumed up on accident!

Although your just now picking up words and becoming more verbal, you have always found a way to express your needs and wants. You began sign language at the age of 15 months and have taught it to not only us, but to Courtney and Colin as well! You have taught me that although you are a special needs child, that you can do most things that others can, if not better and with more perfection. You thrive on structure and only need to see/hear or be directed one time before you can figure anything out. You can dissect any electronic thing and put it back together again without a second thought. You have more intelligence than I think I will ever have! You are very sensory driven and that guides you. You sleep with a weighted blanket at night, as well as 7 monkey's wrapped up. They go everywhere with us! When you leave for school you pick one and he gets to spend the day with you. You are thankful for so much, and we are thankful for you! I could never imagine you being a "normal" child. Your quirks and disabilities are what makes you who you are and I would never want you to be any other way! You have brought so much to my life too. I have done things that I would never think, I have attended seminars and looked at life through all different angles, angles that I never wold have thought possible to be a part of our daily life. I have made life long friends all because of YOU, that I would never have had the chance of meeting otherwise! You have taught Courtney to look at all people equal and look past any differences and disabilities they might have. And she does! Do you have any idea at just 4 years old the difference you have made to us?

I hope you have a great birthday today little man. When we asked you what you wanted for your birthday today, your response was a "blue" oohooh aah aah. We'll have to wait until later tonight to see if you got your one request!