To step out for the day....

I wish I wish I wish.. I wish sometimes that I had a child without disabilities. I don't wish this all the time, but tonight sure was one of those nights. I just want to go to a store and have my child hold my hand. I want to be able to have my child ask me question, with WORDS. WORDS that make sense. Not SIGNS. Sure I know what he is saying and asking me at all times, I've learned to speak what he does. Still. I am sure every parent that has children with disabilities get into this slump I am in. I want to go out to dinner and not have him run crazy and have him sit and eat like normal people. Instead, it's insane, I don't get to enjoy my time at all, because I am so worried the whole time what is going to happen next. 2 times he tried to run into the kitchen. One time he ran into the waitress carrying an arm ful of plates. One time he threw his cup at the next table. One time he didn't want his ice so he dumped his cup all over the floor- this was all in a short amount of time. I won't get started on the tanturm in the car on the way there. This is about the time I grabbed the boys and sat in the car crying until everyone else was done eating dinner and ready to go home. Can't use a high chair, can't use a booster seat, those aren't normal to him. Wish means he's got free reign. It's not like he is defying us on purpose.. this is HIM, it's how his body tunes itself. It is not his age either.. I hate it when people say he is 3- he has been like this for almost 2 years now, is it still the age??? I think NOT. People stare, glare, talk... "look at that child over there" - I can only BEGIN to image what they say about me behind my back. I am so done right now. I wonder how much longer I can do this before I lose my mind. We think sometimes of taking another family cruise. OH MY GOD. Caden would jump off the darn ship. I am NOT just saying that... he really would. I can't stand when people are with Caden for an hour and say he is so good. Look at how great he is. YES, he is a good kid, BUT you are not with him all the time. YOU were very lucky to have had that good hour. It's like when I hear them say that, they are saying "what are you talking about he has problems?, we MUST be making this all up right?? Just because you can't see his disabilites every second, does not mean anything. I never expected this to be such a challange. Yes I know, I hear it all the time, god never gives us more then we can handle--- I wonder ALOT how much more does he THINK I CAN DO??? I want "normal" for one day. I want my son to come in my room and say "good morning mommy" 3 words that he could never say right now. To leave the house without wondering what is too happen at our next destiantion. to sleep through the night without having to wake up 3 times to "touch" his cheek and let him know he is not alone. Once, to go somewhere and not have to explain that I have an autistic child, this is why is acting like this.. please excuse us. I want my child to play with toys. Real TOYS. not the vacuum, not the flashlight. He thinks these are honest to god toys. He will use them all day long. vacuum every room a million times. Take apart the flashlight and put it back aagain. over and over and over. I want him to play with other KIDS. To not be afarid of them. To play beside them, not across the room. Walk up and give them a hug or a Hello! Honestly.... I just want him to not be "different" for one day.

I wonder Why? today I wonder Why even more... WHY WHY WHY?? Ugh.. WHY??????

Today I just can't take this. I am so glad it's time for bed, tomorrow is a new day. Maybe tomorrow I won't wake up crying.